Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
