be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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