You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
