The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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