I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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