saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
