I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
