Tell her she can't have a vagina
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
