Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
