dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just found a bag of teeth...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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