It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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