can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
