After last night, I could never be a politician.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
