I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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