i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
