She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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