We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
