my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
