He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
