watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
