The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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