Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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