Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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