Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
