He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
