it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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