If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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