Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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