I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
