I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
