I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
