You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
