Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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