I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
