you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
