got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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