you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize