I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
