How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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