My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Can I color on your dick again?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
