i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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