I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She announced her abortion via fbk
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize