Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
