Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
