i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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