I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
