Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
