what day is it and did you see me today?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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