worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
