She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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