Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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