Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
