I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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