im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Drunk is not a location!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
