i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize