How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
a search helicopter?!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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