No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
