She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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